Going for a Drive

Tonight, Sporty and I decided to take a short road trip to a Gambler's Anonymous meeting about an hour and a half away from where we live. We'd heard that the meeting struggled with having regulars, and knew that the secretary of the meeting was trying very hard, so we wanted to show support. Plus, it's always a good thing to go to another meeting.

We arrived just on time, and wouldn't you know it - it was the largest meeting since their start just over a year ago. About 14 people in attendance, with clean times from less than a week to one and half years (other than Sporty and I with 6 1/2 yrs each). It was a great, well-run meeting. They were still trying to get through everything within an hour, which was not possible with so many people having just relapsed and a newbie in the room, so it got extended. I'm glad that most the meetings I attend back home have no general time limit - it's about giving everyone a chance to talk - usually for about 5 minutes each. In this region, some meetings limit people to 30 seconds or a minute. Sometimes, that is just not enough time for someone struggling with something.

I really did like tonight's meeting. The people were so warm and inviting to Sporty and I as well. I remember when I was new in the program and someone with a lot of time would be in the room (I'm talking 15, 20, or even 30+ years). I would look at them and just wonder how on earth they did it. I couldn't imagine a day without gambling and how my life could ever come together again, and here they were with a real life that no longer included gambling, yet they were still at the meetings - sharing their experience, strength and hope. At 6 1/2 years, my experience does not come close to what was offered by so many in the rooms I experienced, however tonight, Sporty and I were seen as those people in a room where only 1 person had more than 6 months clean. One person said to Sporty that she wished she could be as strong as she is - we both told her that she can be - one day at a time. Not so long ago, we, too, felt so weak.

I'm trying hard to reflect on this and also respect the tenants of the program - "who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here..." such important words that I believe in SOOO very much. We also believe in anonymity for the program's sake - Step 11 of the Unity program states, "our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television, and Internet." I suppose I have a aura of personal anonymity - but not really. I choose to be open and out about being in GA and sharing my story of how it has helped me become a much better person. I get that I shouldn't be pulling people out of casinos and forcing them into meetings (it wouldn't work - you have to want help), but if people don't know about success stories, why would they want to join? AA has millions of success stories that people know about. People don't know about gambling addiction that much.

I just saw a movie preview for "The Gambler" movie that is being released this week. It looks like another movie that will make the life of a compulsive gambler look like it's always connected to the mob, fighting, the underground, highest of stakes, etc. It's like a glorification and hitting bottom at it's worst. For all of us in the GA rooms, we are just regular joe shmoes. I've known a few with connections to bookies and the mob, but not many. Most were losing their paychecks. Most were never beat up - other than beating themselves up after a big loss. They lost their houses, their families, and their jobs, but the majority never looked at the end of the barrel of a gun, unless it was their own and they were thinking of suicide. Hollywood knows nothing of the real life of a compulsive gambler. A compulsive gambler struggled to pay the toll on the way home from the casino, because they literally spent their last penny in the casino. A compulsive gambler wrecks their brain trying to come up with a story to explain to their spouse on why they are walking in the house at 3am again, when they said they were running out for some groceries, but ended up at a casino for six hours and didn't dare answer their phone. A compulsive gambler stares at a pile of bills on their table that they know they can't pay because they just lost 3x that amount in one day at the casino the day before and are now pacing trying to figure out how they are going to pay their mortgage/rent. A compulsive gambler pays childcare apologetically because they are late picking up their child again, as they raced out of the casino and hit traffic on their ride back to their hometown where they were supposed to be to pick up their child on time.

I didn't personally do everything a compulsive gambler can do, and I did many things compulsive gamblers do. The list is unending what a real compulsive gambler is capable of and what makes rational sense when you are a compulsive gambler. The craziest thing of all, is that when we are in the rooms - in the GA rooms - we find out - none of us did these things without someone else doing something just like it. No two compulsive gamblers do the same crazy things - but we all do irrational things. That's the chaos of this addiction. That's why we need our meetings. We need to hear other people's stories and be like, "oh my god, I did that too!!!" We realize that we are not alone. The best thing GA ever gave me was the realization that I was not a "broken" human being. I was sick. GA provided me some of the healing I needed and I will continue to need it for the rest of my life.

Sporty and I have set a goal to try to attend a new meeting every month. Some will take a short trip, some much longer. It will be nice to hear new stories and, perhaps, some very familiar ones along the way. We are going to try to fit in some regional GA conferences as well. It's all about our recovery, giving back to the program that has given us to much, and growing as individuals. The worst thing we can do is become complacent. Recovery is a journey, not a resting place. Tonight, was our first adventure and I am very glad we took it.