From Dragonfly: Days Like Yesterday

It's inevitable when you are in prison. Some days will just be bad days. There's no one thing that particularly made yesterday bad. Certainly, I was bored. I miss my friend Lola and worry about how her husband is doing. I know I can't see my case manager until Tuesday to find out if she's heard anything about my release. I put four rows on my forever project - the throw blanket. I worked out in the morning and walked the track by myself in the evening. I made myself a good tuna lunch. I had my friends Taz, Mama, Nurse, Red, and others to confer with. It was just a bad day. I actually cried. I am really 'done' with being in here and not out there.

Like a child I am told when to wake up, when to go to sleep, when I can and cannot use the restroom, when to eat my meals, what I am allowed to eat, when I am allowed to be outside, when I must be in my room, when I must stand up, when I am not allowed to be in my room, when I can use the phone, when I can use email, what paper I can write letters on, what pen I am allowed to own, what I have to wear, etc. Sometimes, all the rules make being a real adult difficult. Sometimes, seeing the fighting among inmates gets to me. Sometimes, having too much time on my hands is the worst thing for my brain.

Let's face it. I miss my job. I loved my job, here. I loved teaching. Yesterday, I tutored two of my past students - one in decimals, one in algebra. It felt good. Time went by so fast during the week when I worked. Time moves so much slower now. I don't regret resigning from my job. I had to. Truly. However, I miss the real impact that work had. If you want your time to go by quicker in prison, get a job - one that utilizes your brain!

There was some very good news, yesterday. The doctors are starting radiation and chemo on my father next week. They believe it could help prolong life - maybe even bring back his eyesight (always double vision now). He may actually become blind, but he may live for a lot longer. I'm not sure why they scared my family so much by telling them there was nothing they could do, at first, but my father has a top neurological team and maybe, just maybe, he'll get through this okay. One thing that's definite, now, is that he should be around when I am finally able to visit him. Funds and permission from probation will be my only obstacles - both are merely roadblocks and can be overcome.

Today, I already feel better. I'm not sure why yesterday was so difficult for me, but today I know I'm okay. I am grateful that I don't try to hold back my emotions or bad days, though. In my past life, I would have hidden such feelings by just going gambling. This week marks 6 years since my last gamble (my clean date of June 9th is my first GA meeting) but May 5th, 2008, was my last gamble. Sunday, mother's day, will mark 6 years from when my "Divine intervention" occurred - when I was officially caught/found out, and I had to leave a life I thought I loved. That day saved my life. I always get very reflective at this time of the year. This is the first year, since it all happened, that the dates line up - the 11th is on Mother's Day - which is the same day/date as 6 years ago. I will likely write about that day, here, in the coming days. It's important to reflect and see how much I've grown and how much good there is in my life. Today, I will focus on all the good.