From Dragonfly: Letters and Cards

The other day I wrote about purging things out of my locker. Well, I threw away a small pile of papers and everything else made it's way back in my locker - albeit, a little more organized. Yes, things still fell out when I open the doors... (that darn season salt ended up spilling everywhere!!). So, Red decided I needed to release "control" of my locker to her - so she can really "purge." She and my roommates were in agreement on this and she also kept saying that I "don't really believe I'm leaving in just 11 days." Maybe she's right about that comment. How can I believe, when the computers don't yet show it? When my travel arrangements haven't been made? Most people know 2 months out when they are going home, I'll officially know possibly 1 week out. No matter, though, Red is preparing me for walking out the door within the next two weeks.

So, I wasn't allowed to sit in front of my locker. She took total control. She looked at everything and said, "do you need this? No!," and threw it away. I'd been holding on to EVERY letter and card I've received since arriving. I know it's against the rules - we are only supposed to have something like 25 letters/cards in our locker, but I couldn't throw them away. So many people put me in their thoughts and communicated with me, and I wanted to hold on to their love and thoughts. I imagined looking at pinterist when I get home and finding a way to make something out of all the cards. It would take up more than a wall, though, because I have had a lot of very generous friends and supporters! Maybe, I was being a little unrealistic.

It took a lot of thought and acceptance, but all my non-official letters were purged yesterday. I had so many wonderful letters from friends, but I couldn't keep them. I wouldn't even be allowed to carry them/mail them home. There were just too many. As for my cards, I kept enough that I could still make something (without it taking up an entire wall), and those that were especially special (not that any weren't), and I recycled the rest. What it means to recycle your cards, here, is that people use them to send out cards to loved ones on the outside. A birthday card coming in, will be a new birthday card going out. Old messages are cut out or covered up. Pieces of the card may be cut out and pasted onto card stock. The cards made here are beautiful!! No card is trash, it is someone's treasure. I tried to tell Red and my roomies that no one will want my Jewish Holiday cards, but I was wrong, as my roommie really liked a L'Shanah Tovah card I received, even though she is not Jewish. She liked what it said and will send it to her husband. Well, okay, maybe even my Jewish cards will find a way to be recycled for someone's use. As for people's messages to me, if they wrote me a long note in the card, I kept the card. I don't need everyone knowing every piece of my or my friends' business (well, maybe mine, as I put it out there through my writing every day!), but my friends have a right to privacy!

It's hard letting go of things that mean something to me. Every single letter and card I've received has been important to me. I have read some of them several times. They have lifted me up on bad days, brought tears to my eyes as I hear of struggles, made me laugh, added joy, and been a very important part of my imprisonment. I pray no one will be offended that I could not keep holding on to the "things," as Red put it to me, "you know in your head that you are loved and supported, you don't need these to remind you of that." She is right. Never a moment during my time here have I felt alone. Never have I felt unloved. Never have I felt desperate. Never have I felt the way I did all those years of my addiction.

So, I let go of things, and now I will concentrate on the memories, the stories, and the people. Speaking of which, I am having a visit from SIL today. I haven't seen her since January, and I look forward to the visit. I am also getting pictures taken today and tomorrow with several of my "prison friends," so that I have them when I am home. Pictures and memories I am allowed to keep - they will never be purged!