From Dragonfly: Pics

This weekend, I dressed in pants, a t-shirt, and did my hair. Friends dressed in their pants, some in their nicely ironed ones, did their makeup, hair, and even put glitter on their faces. We went to take pictures. I had to bring an envelope, addressed to Sporty, with two stamps on it, so when the pictures come in, they can be mailed home to me. I'll be taking more pictures with folks next weekend. This weekend, I captured Taz, Nurse, Bunkie, Mexico, Freckles, Harpo, Red, Mama, Hershey, and more. Next weekend, I will add Glitter, more with Freckles, Cali, and others.

While in the real world, I take most my pictures with the eye for sharing with the world - instagram, facebook, email, etc. Here, I am taking pictures to hold on to for myself. I do not know if I'll ever see any of these women again in my life. However, I have written about them. I have spent time with them. I do not want to forget them. I do not want to try to remember who my Bunkie was or the name of the person I had breakfast with nearly every day of my stay (not that I could ever forget Freckles!!). These pictures won't be tagged, but they will be copied. Everyone in the picture will receive a copy of it. A copy costs pennies, a picture ticket costs $1 each.

I've already gotten pictures with South, Lola, Danbury, Taz, and some others. I cherish them. I, also, have photos with my visitors - Joy, Mom, Stepdad, Sporty, T.S., SIL, etc. Those are the only pictures where I am touching someone. We cannot touch each other in our inmate photos, not even back to back. So, in those photos, we get close, and lean in, or make funny faces. Harpo, Freckles, and I wanted to do a photo in the "Namaste" pose (in honor of our new fondness of yoga), but you are not allowed to do anything with your hands, other than a normal pose.

Some people want to walk out of prison and never look back - forget it all and move forward. I'm not one of them. I do not want to live in the past or have regrets, but prison is one of those life-changing experiences and I do not ever want to forget the extreme consequences of my addiction. I, also, do not want to forget the generosity and love I received in prison or from the people supporting me from the outside. Prison is not my worst experience, desperation was. I guess I was prepared mentally for prison way more than I knew. It has not been easy. No day has been easy. I have survived. I have almost thrived. The people in my life here, and out there, as well as my higher power and program of recovery, grounded me and helped me keep perspective (even if I lost it at times, I always came back).

I had my last visitor this weekend. SIL visited. I hadn't seen her since January, so we had lots to catch up on. I know that I was meant to be at Carswell, for the fact that I have an incredible family member so close. Of all my siblings/step-siblings, SIL and I connect the best. We can talk for hours and never run out of things to say. We can cry and laugh. I guess I never knew what having a sister could really be like. Prison gave me one - she may be my step-brother's wife, but forever she will be my sister. I will cherish the pictures I have of her and I together at visitation as much as any other photo I have here.

I hope to let go of the negative of this place, and hold on to the positive memories. My pictures will assist me in that process. So, I will smile for the camera, and keep my hands to myself, and forever look at the people in the pictures, and not me - for I know the reason I'm taking the pictures is about my love for them.